I am all for men and their erections. I mean, who would want to deprive them of that which defines them?
And? If they have problems in that ballgame? By all means, they should do whatever they need to get things back on the rise.
No question, the most productive way to inform men that there is a solution that will lift their spirits “in as little as thirty minutes for some men and last up to 36 hours,” (which leaves me speechless because even in my twenties, 36 hours?) is by doing so during a football game. Because? Duh.
But? Really? REALLY? REALLY? Watching “those” commercials? With my teenagers? HORRIFYING. Truly. Humiliatingly HORRIFYING.
It started years ago with one of the boys asking, “What is erectile dysfunction?”
To which I responded, “That is when the building they were erecting downtown showed signs of structure damage and everything collapsed. Want a cookie?”
Then, the boys got older and the word erection no longer needed to be explained. Because? Duh.
There we sat, happily enjoying a lazy family Sunday of football and, “When it comes to romance sometimes you like to be ready fast. But sometimes it’s better to take things slow.”
*Eyes wide, mortified, dives for the remote. Looking, looking, looking. Where the hell is that thing?
“And Cialis works so you can respond to your partner only when you are both ready.”
*Flinging couch pillows across the room at alarming speeds. Where the hell is that remote?
“Side effects may include headaches, upset stomach, delayed backache or muscle ache.”
Holy sex therapy. Erections, 36 hours, headaches and upset stomach. My kids will never be the same. Points out the window and yells, “Look. A tornado.”
“Contact a doctor if you experience an erection lasting more than four hours or experience any loss in vision.”
Resists the urge to scream, I was TOTALLY NOT LYING when I promised you masturbation doesn’t cause blindness. Starts doing bad imitation of Lord of the Dance.
“Ask your doctor. Because when the moment is right, you can be ready with Cialis.”
Sits down with a thud. Stares straight ahead while brushing the damp hair off her forehead. “So? How ‘bout them Colts?”