Revenge or There is No Such Thing as a Clean Turd

Last night, having put a tantrum throwing toddler out of my mind with a stiff glass of wine and a CSI rerun (because nothing makes you forget an embarrassing grocery store moment like a dead hooker) I dozed off to dream of the Colts winning another Super Bowl.

At exactly 12:24 a.m. I heard, “MOM, MOM.”

I sat up startled and almost head-butted Keenan who was standing over me.

“What’s wrong?” I asked panicked.

“Colton’s awake,” he said.

“O.K.” I said and started to get out of bed to go retrieve him.

I was just starting to wonder why Colton didn’t come into my room by himself as he usually does, when Keenan said, “And he’s covered in crap.”

“What kind of crap?” I asked. Praying silently that by crap he meant anything other than crap.

“Crap, crap,” he answered with a giggle.

How is crap still funny at 12:24 a.m.?

I grabbed my robe and was on my way out of our bedroom when J sat up and asked, “Do you need help?”

“I don’t know,” I responded. Which is code for, If you don’t get your shiny ass out of bed and come and help me, I will use your pillow case to wipe his crap covered ass.

Because he is smart, he hopped out of bed and followed me down the stairs. And thank the mother of Febreze he did. As we hit the bottom step the stink, stank, stunk of our downstairs had us both gagging.

It was at the first dry heave that Colton rounded the corner. And. You know what? For the first time in Keenan’s 15 years he wasn’t exaggerating. Colton was literally COVERED in crap.

I found two spots under each arm pit that were mostly crap free, placed two fingers there, lifted him up and plopped him into the tub while J and Keenan headed off to Colt’s bedroom. Seconds later I heard a round of dry heaves and peeked around the corner to see Keenan go running from Colton’s room.

I was half assed dumping a plastic cupload of water at a time over Colton who was standing crap-covered in the tub and all I could think was, Why in the hell didn’t we put one of those hand held sprayers in here.

I studied him for a brief moment longer having no idea how I was going to get all that crap off of his body without touching it. I heard another dry heave coming from the bedroom and since I still had no good plan of crap cleaning attack, I decided to go check out the bedroom in case I wanted that job instead.

“I’ll be right back,” I said and handed Colton the plastic cup and headed to his bedroom.

One step inside the door told me I had chosen the right job for me. I looked around the room. It smelled like I had shoved my head up a horses ass and there was shit EVERYWHERE. I quietly tiptoed back to the bathroom unnoticed.

With renewed vision, I dove in with my bare hands and a bottle of soap. And. By bottle of soap, I mean a BOTTLE of soap. Colton just stood there shivering and staring straight ahead.

“What happened sweetie?” I asked him through gags.

“I don’t know,” he responded dumbfounded. “I was asleep and then I was awake and I had pooped.”

Of course. That explains everything.

I finished cleaning Colt, just as J finished cleaning the piles of poo off the floor and the one out of the trash can, which Colton so sweetly put there in an effort to help clean up. J put the sheets and Colton’s clothes in the washing machine.

Exhausted, we all lumbered up the stairs and into our bed where we settled in for a long night of boxing with Colton while we all jockeyed for position. This morning I awoke, started the laundry and then set out for a day of errands.

This evening, worked and ready to sit down for a glass of wine, I forced myself to go change out the laundry first. I opened the door to the washing machine and was hit with an O-DARE. But. Dreaming of my glass of wine, I convinced myself it was just my imagination and knew the faster I got those damn clothes in the dryer, the faster I would be sipping my very own red glass of hummingbird nectar.

After a couple of shirts, I started to notice a brown flaky substance falling off of the clothes. Weird, I thought. And. Kept going. About two-thirds of the way through emptying the washing machine, the stench started to get worse and the brown flakes on the floor were piling up. I could no longer deny the thought that was nagging at the back of brain. Crap. There is more crap.

I emptied the rest of the clothes from the dryer and sure as my rug doesn’t match my drapes, there it sat. One large shiny and now clean (as clean as crap can be) piece of crap. OH. MY. GAW. My hands and the laundry room floor were covered in shit flakes.

As I stood there gagging all I could think was, “This is because of the stickers, isn’t it?”

Comments

  1. Martha Replacement says

    I am DYING over here. I need to print this out and carry it around in my purse. When someone starts to complain about ANYTHING, I’m going to hand them a copy and say two words "Shit Flakes."

  2. D. A. Schweiss says

    This has to be the funniest and the most disgusting blog post that I’ve ever read. Thank you!

  3. Beth Avant says

    ohmygod. Shit Flakes. I don’t know if I should laugh or drive over to your house with a bottle of wine.

  4. Monica Griblin Lindstrom says

    It took me 10 minutes to read this due to the stream of tears flowing down my face! Thank you for the great ab workout!! Now I have to go put more eye cream on since my tears washed it away!

  5. Mama Pear Designs says

    Motherhood – not a job for the weak. Thanks for the laugh, sorry it came a such a price. I had a turd sneak in my washer once, and it was not until I got to the bottom of the drum that I found it – utterly awesome! :-) this is def a story to tell his future wife!

  6. Christine Fox says

    It doesn’t get any better than Shit flakes! I’m laughing too hard that I think my abs just got a great workout :)

  7. Julien Reid says

    I’m on my way to the store now to get you a case of wine, you and J surely deserve it.
    That is one of the funniest stories ever!!!!!!!

  8. says

    Seriously? Your day was utterly Crap-Tastic, AND topped with Shit Flakes! How on EARTH do you get so lucky?!? You sure you want WINE? I’m thinking I’d be tapping into something HARD after a long day in your shoes!

  9. says

    Sweet Lord in heaven that blog post was craptastic.
    What I want to know…since I am a little slow in the head is…Did he put MORE crap in the washer after the clothes were washed?

    ::shudder::

  10. says

    Wow, if this is payback everytime you don’t let him have the extra stickers, I’d let him win that battle. Ewwwww. When my oldest son was maybe about 1 1/2 years old, he made a "buddy" in his pants at nap time and decided to play with it. They had a grand time, going up and down each and every rung of the crib with more elaborate smears on the front and back. We’ll never know if he actually ate any of it but he had it rubbed all over himself pretty good too. That was the first and last time I ever laid him down for a nap without pants over top of his diaper. I think every parent has a good crap story, but yours is phenomenal. Be sure to tell that one at his graduation, wedding, and all other milestones of his life where many people are gathered.

  11. says

    First time here and this is an excellent way to meet you! Poop accidents are the absolute worst! I’d love to know how many times you washed your hands before they felt clean again!

  12. Lori Frederic says

    OMG! Such a writing talent you have to make me gag and cry of laughter and understanding all at the same time. You should send a copy to the people at affresh so they can send you a lifetime supply of tablets! Maybe a package deal with a case of wine?

  13. Clare L Jones says

    Thank you for making the tears flow.. that was so funny, and I’m wretching along with you all!

  14. Jenny says

    And yesterday you thought you got the last laugh! I can just see him with a smirk on his face as you pulled out of the grocery store parking lot…knowing he’d be getting back at you. I love your writing — always so descriptive – can picture all of it so clearly! ok, maybe I didn’t need to picture ALL of it….did we say ‘thank god for booze’ yet today?

  15. The Gadge says

    That is some funny shit!! (pun intended) oh and watch this video that proves you CAN polish a turd.

  16. Sarah Mchugh-Rumsey says

    I am now convinced that I need to duct tape dipers on my kids every night. potty trained or not.

  17. says

    DUDE. You let him SLEEP IN YOUR BED?! Gotta say thanks for the laugh today, mama. You rocked this post!!

    "because nothing makes you forget an embarrassing grocery store moment like a dead hooker" L ohfreakin L!

  18. Guilty Squid says

    If I had a dime for everytime I thought about your shit flaked floor today?

    I’d be treating you to a fantastic dinner. Only, please don’t wear shit flaked clothes.

    I can’t wrap my head around this. I mean, seriously? I need to remind myself that no matter how bad my day is going, I have never had to deal with that kind of crap (hehe) with my kids.

  19. says

    So can we assume that Mr. Colton will receive any four damn stickers he wants at the grocery store next time! Ha! He showed you all! Cute, original and funny!! Thanks for sharing….I think.

  20. Nicole Holliday says

    What the hell?! Why are feeding Colton prunes before bed?
    This is so wrong on every level…I even gagged.
    Definitely sticker payback!

  21. BreeUnscripted says

    This is by far, the funniest shit (no pun intended) I have ever read. As the mom of a four-year-old, I totally (well not *totally*) feel your pain.

  22. says

    And it doesn’t get any more hilarious then this! I’m always one to prefer dealing with the real crap then the other craps of teenage growing pains. Now I have to read the "Sticker" post. Love your "don’t give a crap" attitude in your blog. As real as they come and got me roaring in laughter.

  23. Susan Williams says

    "O-DARE". Now THAT was funny!

    As we say in the South, honey, bless your heart.

    And his.

    Happy S-ITS day! I mean, SITS day.

  24. Tim Sogeshirts -Dave says

    At least they weren’t shit frosted flakes. Not grrrrrrrrreat at all. That sounded like not a fun night or cleanup.

  25. Venus Brighton says

    Oh man. This is brilliantly written! I’m impressed how well you kept your crap together when the crap hit the fan/floor/Colt/dryer. :-) Cheers, I’ll have a glass of wine to commemorate your "crappy" experience!

  26. says

    OMG. I think I would have been puking. I’ve done something similar before with my son, but not quite that bad.

    Wow…I think *I* need a glass of wine.

  27. says

    I am laughing so hard right now my husband has been alerted. I think I would need more than a glass of wine after that one. Thankfully, I haven’t had to deal with "shit flakes" to my knowledge… Lots of poop in the bed when the first one was teething, but the crap never made it to the drier…
    Happy SITS day! Hope it was poop free!

  28. says

    I can’t even believe what I just read…My dog pukes and I am mess with the stench of that, and then to top it off shit flakes! it would’ve taken alot more than wine to calm me down.

  29. says

    OMG, too funny, Having 3 kids of my own, I truly get the crap experience though I’m happy (for me at least) to say it’s never been that bad here.

    Now if you’d like to swap vomit stories…

    Thanks for the laughs and so nice to meet you, Happy SITS!

  30. says

    OMG I am LMAO right now! I have put "soiled" underware in the washer because his teacher told me he has an accident and I thought they at least tossed the turd, yeah ummm no, and dumb ass me saw it in the washer and reached in and said WTH is that? EWW EWW EWW and I touched it with my hands…..uggh

  31. says

    One of the worst crap stories I have ever heard. My "child crapped in the bathtub" or "my child had poop flakes in the bathtub" can’t even compete. Next time…dispose of any crap-filled laundry. It might be tax deductible.

  32. BeautyAuNatural Blog says

    This is horrible in a pooptastic kind of way. LOL!

    Best line:

    “I don’t know,” he responded dumbfounded. “I was asleep and then I was awake and I had pooped.”

  33. thoughts on a stick says

    Holy CRAP! I’m sure that at that time I would not find it funny at all but possible later when it was all said and done. Luckily I have managed to dodge that bullet.

  34. Stephanie@OMA says

    I could not stop giggling which clearly proves that poop is funny so long as you aren’t the one covered in it.I’m so sorry this happened and yet so glad it did because this is the best poop story I’ve heard in awhile!

    Happy very belated SITS day!

  35. says

    OMG!!! hysterical, I LOVE stories like this.. they are so crazy and nutty that it’s hard to believe.. Shit Flakes,,, my new favorite term.

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