Every Thanksgiving we have a family ritual. I cook for three days, I bitch, I scream, the house is cleaned spotless, I make everyone shower (do you have any idea what kind of Goliath effort this requires with three boys?) and then everyone gets dressed in their finest.
For turkey dinner? Nope.
For the annual hour in which my kids turn into assjackets, I turn into a bitch and my husband gets annoyed with all of us. Otherwise known as the family Christmas card photo.
This year? No exception. Only this year? The worst ever.
In every single photo, one of them looked like this. So after spending an hour threatening to call CPS on myself, they finally convinced me that we were a family of humor and that we should send out the following card.
And? I said yes. Because we are after all a family of humor. Then I went to sleep and somewhere in the 3:00 a.m. hour this occurred to me.
That is our Christmas card from last year. So? We can’t be the family that sends two cards in a row that are “humorous.”
Because then? People will think we are doing it on purpose. And that? Is lame. We can’t be the family that tries too hard to be funny. Gak.
I did what any self-respecting mother would do. I forced those assjackets to take more photos. And now? They hate me just a little bit more.
Annual Christmas card. Take Two.
Is it just me or does Noah have an, “I am going to kick your mother ass,” expression on his face?
Annual Christmas card. Take Three.
Two things. Is he doing it on purpose? And? What is up with the flying saucer hair? Ok. Three things. Whose stupid idea was it to put them all in white t-shirts?
So? I picked one. And? They hated it and BEGGED me to let them try again. “One. More. Time. Mom. Please. I look stupid and will be humiliated.”
I said, “NO. That will teach you to take it more seriously next year now won’t it?” And I took a sip of my wine. And then for an hour, they wouldn’t shut up with their begging, so I gave in.
Annual Christmas card. Take Four.
Honestly? Do they hate me?
And still? I have nothing.
I have decided to photocopy my ass and put it on the front of our Christmas card this year. You have been warned.