horny isn’t just for toads

I was walking a friend through the process of setting up a Facebook account and had just said, “The most important thing to know is that everything you post on your wall or anyone else’s can be viewed by everyone,” when my Facebook screen changed because someone had posted a new “status” report.

For those of you not on Facebook, your home page has an option to tell everyone what you are doing.  There is a field that says, “Stefanie is,” and then you fill in the blank with your status.  Hopefully something interesting, but as people prove daily, mostly not so much.

I look to see who has posted that their kid giggled for the first time or the contents of their afternoon snack and am surprised to find that it is my 13 year old son Keenan. His status you ask? “Keenan is horny.”  I spit my water across the room. 

I reread his status and saw that my younger son’s friend had already read and commented on Keenan’s status with, “Wow.”  Panic set in as I begin imagining all of the parents of our kid’s friends reading about my 13 year olds desire to have sex with their daughters.  I start to write a comment of my own that goes something like this, “You are soooooo grounded”, but remembered reading an article about Facebook no-nos if you want your kids not to hide their account from you.

Instead, I formulate a brilliant plan. One that will mortify my son beyond words. One that will cause him to think these things through in the future and never embarrass himself or his loving mother on Facebook again.  

I text him these four words, “How horny are you?”  

Within seconds, Quick Draw Mcgraw hits me back with, “WHAT????????”

As if.  I am now fuming. I can’t believe the little shit would act like he didn’t know anything about it.  I can see his circle face in my head. That’s the one where is eyes and his mouth are all open at perfectly gaping proportions causing him to look like he has three circles on his face. That is his lying face. Every. Single. Time.

Feeling quite smug and like I am going to ground him for the rest of his horny life, I text back, “I saw what you posted on Facebook.”  

He responds with, “What are you TALKING about?”

At this point I began to feel a little tightness in my chest and my breathing starts to get labored because this one tiny thought pops into my little pee brain.  What if he didn’t post it?

I sheepishly text, “Um. Your Facebook account says you are,” a long horrified pause, “horny.”

Then there is a mortifyingly long wait and I get this text. “OMG. I would NEVER put that on my Facebook. My friend did it. I checked my Facebook on his phone and forgot to log out. OMG. I can’t believe you text me that.”

Sweet mother of pearl.  My unsuspecting teen was walking along innocently with his friends, all smiley faced and happy to be alive, when he looked down and without any provocation or warning, received a text from his mother asking how horny he was. 

I spent the rest of the afternoon wondering how in God’s name my child would ever be able to look me in the face again without needing to run to the bathroom and empty the contents of his most recent meal. I picked him up at his bus stop and was encouraged to see that he made eye contact with me without turning three shades of green as he departed the bus. 

He tossed his backpack into the back of the car, came around to the front, opened the door, took one look at my, “I am such an idiot” face and busted out laughing until tears were streaming down his face.  Which caused me to do the same and we sat there for several minutes laughing so hard we could barely breath.

Thankfully my son has my warped sense of humor. As I drifted off to sleep, I kept thinking the same thing over and over again, “No 13 year old boy should EVER receive a text from his mother saying, ‘How horny are you?’”