So today I turned 36 weeks. Last week when I was at the Dr. he gave me the order to “cool it.” Yes, well I tried. I canceled a few shoots but my job isn’t as cut and dry as that. I had Jonas Brothers concert, some models that had been waiting all summer and a few boudoir shoots that were presents for their spouses. I took it easy, at least for me. Life is so crazy. My husband is opening a restaurant right now and so he is pretty much never home. When he is, it’s maybe for 4 hours to try and sleep. The kids miss him and I miss him. I get very lonely every night when the kids go to bed and I am left awake. I now that it will get better soon, it’s just a time when I want so badly to get a little extra love and attention.
I have to hold it all in so that I don’t add stress to him as none of it is his fault. I know he would like to be home if he could. I just hate this lonely feeling. I stare at the empty bassinet and car seat waiting to grab and go. Part of me hopes the baby comes just so I can have my family back together for a bit. So that I can turn off the world. So that my clients, my phone and my email will just stop for a few days. So that I can hold my little man and welcome him to his new family. Most of all so this lonely feeling will just go away. I am strong most days, but lately all I want is for someone to stop by and just visit. Such and odd time.
Last week I was 2cm dilated and have had up and down contractions all week. Tomorrow we will see if there is any change. My parents are three hours away and this time that is really hard. Why am I so pitiful? Throwing myself a damn pity part over here! My kids are great. They love this baby. My daughter kisses my belly all the time. I am excited for them. My son will be six in 2 days. I feel like his last birthday was just the other day. We went to Disneyland and he got this shirt that said “It’s my birthday.” Well I was folding it yesterday and felt a little tug on my heart that my baby boy is getting big so fast. He is my baby…he will always be my baby, even with a NEW baby.
My daughter is so mature that our bond is so different. I am in awe of her most days, and arguing the other ones. But she’s a firecracker and I would not change it.
I guess this post is more therapy. So thanks for listening…I am going to leave the balloons up for my pity party a little longer if you don’t mind. I will take them down tomorrow.