Guest post by Peyton Price, Suburban Haiku
Did you hear about the changes to the SAT? If you ask me, they didn’t go far enough. To really measure the aptitude of today’s teenagers, the testing board should add these new sections.
1. Text abbreviations: Translate this message into a text, using only abbreviations: Mother, I am with my friends Harrison, Alex, and Jeremy. We are on the way home from school, but would like to stop and get something to eat at the wing place. This will delay my arrival by about 30 minutes. May I please do so? Thank you for your consideration.You are a good mom.
2. YouTube comprehension: Explain the appeal of watching other people do things. Your answer must describe in detail why you wouldn’t rather do the thing yourself.
3. How to bypass parental controls: In numbered steps that a college-educated 45-year-old can understand, explain how to watch Game of Thrones without an HBO subscription. Include all necessary web addresses and passwords. Print clearly.
4. Eye rolling: Points will be deducted if any part of the iris is visible. Bonus points will be awarded for degrees of head tilt, as well as volume of sound generated during exhale.
5. Compare and contrast Forever 21 and dELiA*s: Use at least three specific examples of clothing items that you will die without. Describe them in detail. Use extra paper if needed.
6. Rank celebrities on a scale from Hot to Not Hot: For bonus points, write one paragraph explaining your choice for “ultimate hottie.” Fanfiction will not be credited.
7. Demonstrate righteous indignation while simultaneously making pathetic excuses: Present an oral argument why you should not be punished for arriving home after curfew. For bonus points, convince the panel it is actually their fault.
8. Sleeping: Students will be tested on both duration and ability to sleep through multiple alarms. Bonus points will be awarded to students who can sleep without their phones in the room.
9. Emoji comprehension: What is the meaning of this?
10. All of the above
Peyton Price is the “meanest mom of anyone” and the author of Suburban Haiku: Poetic Dispatches from Behind the Picket Fence. You can find her at suburbanhaiku.com.